Man aiming for personal best in half-arsed, leave-it-to-the-last-minute speed-wrapping

A MAN is aiming for a new record by wrapping all his presents in under six minutes, less than half an hour before they are due to be opened.

Tom Booker is confident he can smash last year’s speed-wrapping record, even if the results look like someone gave Sellotape and shiny paper to the possessed girl in The Exorcist.

He said: “Sometimes I don’t even bother cutting the paper – last year I used an entire sheet on one small bag of chocolate coins. 

“It doesn’t pay to get hung up on attention to detail. My motto is ‘Just wank it out’.”

He added: “My girlfriend only rips off the paper anyway, like a demented badger driven to a frenzy by the prospect of a giant Toblerone.”

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Brexiters and Remainers celebrate Christmas truce with football match which then goes horribly wrong

BREXITERS and remainers set aside their differences yesterday for a festive football match which then descended into a foul mouthed argument.

The two teams emerged from behind their computer screens around midday to shake hands and sing carols before the friendly kick about.

Remainer Tom Logan said: “The tweets and the Facebook posts fell silent. We climbed out of our entrenched views, looked into the face of the enemy and realised that they are just like us after all.

“But then there was a disputed free kick and one of the Brexiters called me a ‘remoaner’ and I said that the very fact that Brexiters invented the word ‘remoaner’ proves what complete fucking imbeciles they really are.

“Then the Brexiter said that half of our team probably wasn’t even British and I called him a fat, Nazi bastard.”

All 22 players then scurried back home to their laptops to continue insulting each other.