Sellotape and scissors disappear on sexually-charged crime spree

THE Sellotape and scissors cannot be found because they have disappeared on a doomed, crime-packed road trip, it has emerged.

The lovestruck outlaw household items have embarked on a passionate ‘looting and shooting’ spree, leaving a trail of corpses and unwrapped presents behind them.

Emotionally damaged bad boy Sellotape and hot curvaceous scissors met in a kitchen drawer, beginning a tempestuous relationship based on thrill-seeking and weird sex acts.

A police spokesman said: “We became aware of their rampage when Sellotape crashed a stolen car into a TK Maxx before staging an impromptu bank job where the scissors threatened to stab anyone who moved a muscle.

“Truly this generation of stationary is out of control. On the other hand, you can’t help admiring their sheer wanton passion for life. If only it were channelled into making presents look presentable.”

Pair of scissors Nikki Hollis said: “We are the yin and the yang, I cut stuff and he sticks it back together but in a slightly demented way. It’s deep.”

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Christmas cheer so f**king infectious

AN INSUFFERABLE sense of seasonal joy is said to be highly contagious and on a merciless rampage through the nation, doctors have warned.

In a phenomenon medical scientists are calling the ‘John Lewis effect’, even the most hardened and cynical of people are falling prey to that warm, mushy feeling inside brought on by the relentless onslaught of fucking merriment. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, who is leading the team of researchers trying to develop a cure, said: “We strongly advise people to stay indoors to avoid triggering sights, such as twinkling lights, and the look of wonder in a child’s eyes.

“We would also recommend forgoing the giving and receiving of gifts, and advise throwing all copies of Love Actually, Elf and that one with Matilda trying to prove Santa Claus is real, into the bin.

“Please note, we’ve said bin, not fire. If you already have a fire going, there’s not much we can do to help you.”

Sufferer Tom Booker said: “Ho ho ho! Sorry. I can’t stop doing that.

“I think I caught mine off my friend Lucy, who’s been counting down the days to Christmas since Halloween. I’ve tried to make her feel better by saying I could have got it from anyone.

“Mince pie?”

Researchers have confirmed that the epidemic will be over by 27th December, and have urged sufferers to wait it out and to stay away from Bailey’s, which still tastes as vile as it did last year.