Man forced to carry Christmas presents round eight pubs

A MAN is furious after being given no option but to cart bulky Christmas presents on a full pub crawl. 

Stephen Malley was given the presents, which he was also warned are fragile, in the last hour of his working day and had to subsequently protect them for six progressively drunken hours like a videogame escort mission.

He said: “What kind of sadist? I should have left them in TGI Fridays.

“By the time we were at Wetherspoons I was totally sick of looking after them and if that weird bloke had grabbed one I’d at least have been free of its burden.

“Everyone knows you only give gifts in a house or an office. Maybe a car.”

The present, a collection of glass bowls, is expected to make it home, be left in the porch and eventually be opened and broken on New Year’s Eve.

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I wouldn't change one thing about the past year, says Theresa May

THERESA May has told colleagues she had a wonderful 2017 and there is not one single thing she would do differently. 

The prime minister has been reflecting on her first calendar year in Downing Street and told an empty room she has no regrets whatsoever.

She continued: “Not everything’s gone perfectly, of course, but that’s politics.

“However when people ask if there is anything I would go back and change, any decisions which in hindsight proved to be wrong, any one specific miscalculation I say no. There is not.

“Certainly there’s no way my 2017 could be reduced to one particular turning point at which everything dramatically got worse for me. Life’s more complex than that.

“No, in the words of Kylie Minogue, ‘If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t change a single thing’. Not a thing. Not a solitary thing.”

May added: “Actually just one thing.”