Man at dinner party gazes longingly at five-a-side goal in garden

A MAN in his 40s has spent a whole dinner party looking through the window at the five-a-side goal in the back garden.

The evening involved Hobbs, his wife and their friends talking about the EU over relatively expensive wine. While other guests seemed to enjoy the evening, Hobbs thought it was basically a load of shit and craved a kick around.

Hobbs said: “I mean sure it’s great to sit around eating cheese and that but wouldn’t it be a laugh to just go and have a penalty shoot out in the garden?”

I’ll even go in goal first. There are footballs out there and gloves too by the look of it.”

Hobbs was told by his wife to ‘stop going on about the goal in the garden and join in the conversation.’

He then opened a bottle of real ale and quietly muttered “This is bollocks” before the group moved into the lounge to talk about the films of Yorgos Lanthimos. 

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Friends rally round to make break-up worse

AN EX-COUPLE’S friends have rallied round during their break-up to try and make it all much worse.

Following the end of their three-year relationship, Tom Logan and Susan Traherne have found themselves surrounded by friends telling them to do ill-advised, borderline insane things.

Logan said: “My friend Karen said I should follow her around like a private eye to see if she’s got a ‘fancy man’.

“I’m sure she hasn’t and I’m not trained in covert surveillance so Susan would spot me easily. Then I’d be sad about being arrested for stalking on top of being sad about breaking up.”

Traherne said: “According to my best friend Ruth I should take all his stuff to a charity shop then scratch the word ‘pig’ onto his car bonnet. That seems a bit excessive when the split was a mutual thing because we’re too different.

“Meanwhile my friend from work Ben has helpfully offered to shag me.”

Logan is currently opting to look at pictures of Traherne and feel wistful, rather than his friend Pete’s suggestion of “getting totally wankered on Class As and pulling some tarts”.