Man can’t decide whether to go out and get pissed or stay in and get pissed

A MAN is facing an impossible dilemma between getting drunk in the pub or getting drunk at home.

Tom Booker, from Southampton, has been struggling with the tough choice since Tuesday but has yet to make any headway despite soliciting advice from friends, family and his local MP.

He said: “On the one hand there’s the glorious neon-lit carousel of the pubs, the nightclub, the freedom of vomiting on the open street and the intoxicating possibility of a fight in the taxi queue.

“On the other, there’s the familiar warmth of knocking them back in front of the telly, no need to dress up, no queues and your own comforting toilet to be sick in at the end of the night.

“How can I possibly spurn one of these two alluring sirens? How?”

He added: “I could always get pissed at home then go out, or go out then come home and keep getting pissed, but that doesn’t seem fair to anyone. No, I need to decide one way or the other and stop messing around.”

Booker has postponed making his final decision until after work, when he will thrash it out with friends over a few quiet pints, or possibly back at someone’s flat.

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Cecil Rhodes statue comes to life and rampages through Oxford

A STATUE of Cecil Rhodes at Oxford University has come to life and gone on a racist rampage through the town.

The statue at Oriel College, angered by attempts to remove it, broke through the netting surrounding it late last night and has been roaming the town stamping out instances of political correctness.

Student Joanna Kramer said: “I saw it raise its head, seemingly angered by a protest about cultural micro-aggressions, and growl in a creaking, stone voice ‘I’ll show you bloody racism’.

“It broke through the pigeon netting and began tossing people left and right, shouting about the greatness of the Anglo-Saxon race and its destiny to rule.”

There was a brief respite around 2am when the statue visited a kebab van, before destroying more buildings, ripping up trees and removing left wing books from reading lists.

Oxford don Julian Cook said: “I urge Britain not to do anything that might anger statues of Queen Victoria or the Prince Consort Albert.

“There’s bloody thousands of them.”