Man celebrates joining middle class by ordering sparkling water rather than tap

A FORMER working class man has marked his move to the middle class by ordering sparkling water, not tap, in a restaurant.

Julia Cook always previously opted for the traditional approach of emphatically telling waiters that tap water would be fine, but his change in status has led to a dramatic shift in behaviour.

He said: “Oh yes, it’s carbonated all the way for me now – I don’t even look at the price before I order it.

“And I have those big bottles of San Pellegrino to drink at home, usually while listening to a drama on Radio 4 or doing The Guardian crossword.”

He added: “If I’m feeling indulgent, I’ll sometimes pop a bit of organic cloudy apple juice in with it. Sublime.”

Other social status-based developments in Cook’s diet include the removal of all gluten, the introduction of industrial amounts of hummus and a switch from Coco Pops to museli that costs as much per box as an entire meal at Nando’s.

However, Cook is yet to fully assimilate as he still cannot work out why anyone would willingly consume kale.  

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Models in 'inner beauty' adverts still unreasonably fit

THE purportedly average people in an adverts promoting ’natural beauty’ are still incredibly good looking, it has been claimed.

An advert for some pointless face cream that aims to show such products are not just for models only features people who could be models.

Instead of using ridiculously-chiselled men and size six women, it used merely very good-looking men, and women between size six and size eight.

A spokesman said: “We wanted to do something different and show our support for the average person – the type of man or woman you might find appearing on a nudity-based reality show, or being voted ‘sexiest cheerleader’.”

Consumer Tom Booker said: “The models aren’t as fit as usual but they’d still never go near me.

“When are we going to see actually normal looking people on billboards, like Peter Beardsley or my nan who has got a webbed foot.

“Actually I’m not sure if that’s normal but anyway, you get the idea.”