Man constantly barked at by dogs wonders if he is evil

A MAN who has been barked at by terrified dogs every time they see him for 15 years is wondering if he is actually the Antichrist. 

24-year-old Tom Booker has been provoking fight-or-flight reactions in every canine he gets within sniffing distance of since he was a child, and is starting to take it personally.

He said: “You can only laugh it off for so long before it starts getting to you.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s the neighbours’ shi-tzu or a stranger’s Great Dane, the moment they catch sight of me they bark frantically like Lassie trying to warn the world of a terrible menace until I’m gone.

“I’m not someone who goes in for auras or energy fields or all that shit, but I think they might be reacting to something deeply malevolent and broken inside of me. I’m afraid to set foot in a church.”

Booker, who also makes babies cry and children hide, is spending more and more time raking over his past misdeeds including lying on his CV, once parking in a disabled space and having inappropriate feelings about his cousin on a family holiday when he was 13.

Border collie Colin said: “He smells weird. Like really weird. Ideally we’d get a few of us together and tear him apart.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Is this the worst hangover you’ve ever had, or have you woken up in Burnley?

LAST night was a heavy one. But are these overwhelming feelings of pain, sickness and despair you’re feeling alcohol-induced, or have you awoken in the Lancashire town of Burnley? Take our test to find out…

Take a look around you. What do you see?

A) It’s blurry and smells of vomit for some reason, but I think my bedroom. I hope.

B) Is Angela’s Ashes a place? But, like, it closed decades ago? Because that’s where I am.

You nip out to the shop for Lucozade. How does that go?

A) Okay. Muhammad laughed at me when I walked into the shop but he tends to do that when I’m hurting.

B) The shop was closed because it was a Saturday morning. When I knocked on the glass an elderly ogre came out bearing a trident, asking what did I want of him? They’d never heard of Lucozade but could do me a sarsaparilla.

You decide to have a quick curer in the local. What happens?

A) Everyone left me alone thankfully, and after a couple of pints and a fag I was right as rain.

B) Everyone went silent the moment I went in. Then they began talking about Brexit and how it would cure all ailments and even regrow missing limbs. Then a man threatened to kill me.


Mostly A’s – Don’t worry, me ole mucker. It’s just a hangover. Go home, sleep it off and wake up later and watch Match of the Day 2 and enjoy a Pot Noodle.

Mostly B’s – Sorry to say this but you’re in Burnley. Luckily gaps in the rain are so infrequent they’ll never get that wicker man lit soon and you could be able to escape.