Man gets sugar from bowl to mug without making an absolute f**king mess

A MAN has been able to get sugar into his tea without spilling it across every conceivable surface in the area.

It had been accepted that all men under the age of 60 were unable to grasp the mechanics of hyper-local sugar transportation.

But now 38 year-old Nathan Muir, from Stevenage, has left experts stunned.

Muir said: “The final hurdle of the tea-making process had become my Everest. Regardless of my concentration and commitment somewhere along the journey from sugar bowl to mug all hell would break loose.

“It’s like the teaspoon had a mind of its own and I was no longer in control. I actually started to add more sugar to the spoon just to make up for the levels of attrition.

“For years, successive partners had told me to move the mug closer to the sugar bowl, as if that was something that one could just ‘do’.”

Muir added: “Anyway, it was probably luck and I’m fairly certain it won’t happen again.”

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Cocaine to help tackle excessive niceness

COCAINE is being hailed as a wonder drug that can help people who are too nice for their own good.

A study has shown the drug could protect those who are too trusting and good natured by turning them into the sort of self-absorbed bastard no-one would want to go anywhere near even if their lives depended on it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We realised that people who were already dreadful twats somehow became even worse after taking cocaine. So City traders would go from boasting about their salaries to lying about their salaries.

“Meanwhile, music journalists would go from just name-dropping all the stars they have met to being utter fucking pricks about all the stars they have met.

“For someone who is decent to the point where they become a soft touch, cocaine could be transformative.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Cocaine’s effects have been known in indigenous cultures for centuries. Remote Peruvian tribes have long used it to combat altitude sickness, and for when they want to talk about starting their own record label.”

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