Man has no career aspirations

RETAIL worker Stephen Malley has no desire to do a job other than the one he is already doing.

34-year-old Malley works in a garden centre, helping people with advice on products and ensuring that the displays are kept looking tidy and presentable.

He said: “I like talking to customers, most of whom are alright. The people I work with are pleasant and it’s rarely too stressful.

“To be honest I like going home and not having to think about it too much. I do some gardening or watch the football.”

Malley’s cousin Tom Booker said: “It’s like he’s just got this job that isn’t high-powered or particularly well paid but he stubbornly refuses to feel any self-loathing. I’m not going to say that’s outright wrong but at the same time I don’t really like it.

“I’m pulling in 82k working in finance and that doesn’t even seem to annoy him.

“He should at least be doing a course in the evenings, even if it’s just in massage or Spanish.”

Booker’s sister-in-law Emma Bradford said: “I’ve shown him copies of GQ magazine with pictures of all the trousers and suchlike that he could have if he were a bit more ambitious.

“He nods and smiles almost as if he is humouring me. Doesn’t he realise I’m the one who’s trying to patronise him?

“Clearly he is mentally ill.”

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Sterling’s sick note actually bank statement

LIVERPOOL star Raheem Sterling has presented the club with documentation of his bank balance to excuse his absence from training.

The England international believes the note, signed by two independent financial advisers, proves that he is suffering from a chronic condition adversely affecting his quality of life.

Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers said: “The anguish Raheem is in could not be more serious.

“According to this, his income and outgoings have been hooked up to beeping machines and the latter could outpace the former within weeks unless action is taken.

“The specialists recommend an infusion of £2.5 million for image rights, moving 35.2 miles inland and a prescription of regular Champions League football, which he’s suffering a dangerous deficiency of at the moment.”

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “For a man of Raheem’s age, weight and proven goalscoring ability to get by on as little as £35,000 per week is not recommended.

“To be safe I’d like to see his money dosage tripled before he returns to training.”