Man in new relationship can't wait to see how he f***s it up

A MAN who has been seeing a woman long enough to start calling her his girlfriend is eager to see how he will totally balls it up.

Nathan Muir, 29, has been advised by friends to take things slowly, but is finding himself unable to resist looking to the future and imagining all the things he could to do wrong.

Muir said: “The beginning of a relationship is a time of exciting anticipation. There’s so much opportunity to be a complete bellend and so little way of knowing how I’ll eventually ruin everything.

“We’re currently in that honeymoon period where she’s overlooking all the things about me that are clearly weird, and I’m just about keeping a lid on all the possible scenarios that will make her dump me.

“Will I say my ex’s name during sex? Will I become unattractively needy and clingy? Will I get pissed at a family barbecue and call her mum a massive cowbag? I probably won’t challenge her dad to a bare knuckle fight, because that’s ended badly for me before.”

Muir’s girlfriend Joanna Kramer said: “He might as well stop speculating because I’ve already shagged his best mate.”

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Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone

A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of her family’s Christmas.

Nikki Hollis made the decision to stop consuming animal products after realising it suited her lifestyle choice of being passive-aggressively difficult, and is now excited to inflict her beliefs on her loved ones over the festive period.

Hollis said: “There are so many so aspects of Christmas that involve the consumption of things that were once part of animal, and I really care about animals. Almost as much as I care about pissing off my family.

“From the traditional milk chocolate coins in the morning, through a Christmas dinner of a dead bird and bits of pig wrapped in other bits of pig, to a cheese board groaning with solidified cow pus, I’m going to whine about it all.

“I can even ruin their enjoyment of sipping a nice glass of red wine by banging on about how it’s strained through fish guts. It’ll be the best Christmas ever.”

Hollis’ father Pete said: “We’ll probably lock her out. We’d happily accommodate a vegan, but Nikki’s just a massive pain in the arse.”