Man is being arbitrarily detained at Argos, UN rules

A MAN who has been waiting for his Argos purchase for more than 15 minutes is being detained in violation of his human rights, the UN has ruled.  

Tom Logan was given his ticket for a Nespresso coffee machine at 9.46am, but is still confined within the store at 10.02am with no end to his ordeal in sight.

He said: “This is like what happened to Aung San Suu Kyi in Myamar.

“Outside, just feet away, people are walking around freely. Even in here they’re getting their ticket and leaving with their goods while I stay trapped, and two of them were behind me in the queue.

“They say I’m free to leave whenever I like, but that’s a £69.95 machine I’d be leaving behind so I’ve been left with no choice whatsoever.

“I’ve texted Amnesty International, but I keep losing signal.”

A UN spokesman said: “He can’t even compensate himself by stealing the little pens anymore, because they’ve replaced them all with iPads.”

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Inflation ‘stable’ if you don’t include stuff that actually matters

INFLATION remains stable as long as you ignore all the things that have gone up enormously, experts have confirmed.

The cost of staplers, baking powder, hinges, wallpaper paste, boiled sweets and trouser presses has barely risen in the last year, leading economists to believe that you are now incredibly prosperous.

Meanwhile, rail fares going up by the amount you were hoping to spend on a holiday has been dismissed by the experts as a ‘one-off’.

Norman Steele, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Every time I buy a new stapler I notice the price has remained remarkably constant.

“Granted, in a few years time a lot of people will be living in upturned, burnt out railway carriages commandeered by proletarian collectives driven to desperate, violent measures.

“However, I shouldn’t imagine this will affect the price of stapling at all.”