Man looking forward to seeing what he got his mum for Christmas

A MAN will see his mother’s face light up at his present to her at the same time as he finds out what that present is, having delegated all present-buying to his wife.

Steve Malley of Reading refused to spoil the surprise by letting wife Sophie pay for the presents on his debit card, instead transferring a lump sum into her account when she has finished.

He said: “I’m full of anticipation. Sophie loves shopping and I like watching Jamie Oliver on TV with a beer in my hand, so it’s about division of labour, really.

“I just need to hide my surprise better, after last year when I kept peering over people’s shoulders and going, “Oh, that looks nice, what does it do?

“She asked me what my sister liked and I said ‘Meh, I dunno,’ so it’s not like I haven’t played my part. Fingers crossed!”

Wife Sophie said: “Why would I mind? It’s only an extra seven people, and it’s a joy to shop for someone who called me a ‘slutty little piece’ at my own wedding.

“Steve’s mum and sister are hateful people. I buy them cheap crap, pocket the profit and they blame him for it. Everyone wins.”

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The M&S shoppers' guide to an overpriced Christmas

STUCK in for Christmas just like everyone else? Driven by the overwhelming need to feel in some way superior? Get down to Marks and Sparks for your big shop: 

Have your Daily Mail ready

A copy of Britain’s most politely bigoted newspaper tucked under your arm not only sends the right smug signals, it doubles up as a weapon. Roll up and slam into the throat of any 80-year-old woman trying to reach the blanched sprouts before you do. Telegraph or Times also acceptable, but not the Express.

Don’t forget the essentials

Grab every pre-packaged, pre-chopped vegetable under the sun, stack a pyramid of profiteroles higher than a toddler, get tubs of chilled sauces, then pretend to every dim twat around the dinner table you made the lot. Whenever they say ‘divine roasties’ pat yourself on the back for spaffing £300 on one dinner.

Extras make the meal

Not just extra dishes, but extra adjectives. Honey-roast chantenay carrots for your irritatingly vegan daughter, smoked Atlantic salmon on buckwheat blinis for your brother-in-law, and what’s Christmas without a succulent Queen Bess five-bird roast?

Swoop on bargains

Just because you’re wilfully spending twice as much on food as you have to doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy discounts. When the shellfish platter’s reduced to £38, get both elbows in there and fight to the death. You’re not just any vulture, you’re an M&S vulture.

Blame any problems on staff

If anything goes wrong, find the closest innocent shelf-stacker risking their life for your retail experience and go in hard. After all, the absence of pigs-in-blankets at 4pm on Christmas Eve is a personal fault of theirs, and what is their purpose if not to be berated?