Man paralysed with fear of being dubbed a hipster

A 29-YEAR-OLD man has been left unable to do anything because he fears any activity could be deemed ‘hipsterish’.

The problem began when trainee teacher Tom Booker considered getting an allotment.

He said: “It seemed like a good idea but then I thought it’s probably something a hipster would do, and I fucking hate hipsters.

“Then I decided to get rid of my fancy coffee machine because it made me feel like some total cock who lives in a gentrified area of New York and enters his apartment via a window.

“My friends were inviting me out to bars but I couldn’t go because these places had exposed brickwork, which is what hipsters like.

“I stopped watching television in case a Wes Anderson film came on, and a passerby looked in the window, saw me watching it and thought I was a hipster.

“Then I stopped eating burgers, steaks and gradually cut out all food that could possibly exist in an artisan version of itself. And I burned my skateboard, even though it had just been in the loft since I was 14.

“Now I’m just sitting in a chair with the curtains closed, afraid to do anything in case it could seem like an ironic gesture.

“Do hipsters sit in chairs? Maybe I should lie in the floor? Or is that a bit ‘quirky’?”

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Child benefit limited to Ladybird book children

CHILD benefit will only be given to families whose children resemble the 1950s youngsters in Ladybird books.

The government is to save money by limiting the payments to obedient, traditionally dressed children from an idealised past.

Welfare secretary Iain Duncan Smith said: “Boys must wear shorts and a tank top and spend much of their spare time making models of HMS Victory.

“Girls must wear a pretty frock and ribbons in their hair. They must produce evidence that they regularly help their mother bake delicious cakes. If the cakes are not delicious, payments will be stopped.

“Children must know how to build a wigwam or crochet a cover for the radio. If the wigwam collapses or the radio is insufficiently covered, payments will be stopped.”

Parent Donna Sheridan said: “My daughter is starting to think it actually is the 1950s. She’s no longer interested in a career in medicine and says she’d rather become a typist and marry a man called Reginald.”