My work has a profound existentialist subtext, says BGT dog

THE performing dog that won Britain’s Got Talent has described how his work grapples with complex themes such as the illusory nature of reality.

The winning routine, showing collie-type dog Matisse embroiled in a sausage theft scenario, provoked controversy for its use of a different canine during a tightrope sequence.

However Matisse said: “Many audience members misconstrue my work as a lowest common denominator exercise in slapstick animal obedience.

“Actually The Sausage Thief is strongly influenced by Beckett, and asks viewers to confront the fluid nature of identity in a universe where the relationship between spectator and spectacle is constantly redefined.

“When the other dog who looks a bit like me comes out of that window, it symbolises my rebirth as ‘performer’ – a negation of self that occurs during the transition of an artist to a public forum.

“Similarly the string of sausages represents an umbilical cord, again hinting at rebirth. I’m surprised people didn’t get that.

“It’s almost as if the Britain’s Got Talent audience are a complete and utter bunch of shitwits, gawping thoughtlessly at the screen with their Doritos-smeared mouths hanging permanently open.”

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Police send out clear message that legal highs are not legal

THE police have denied that the illegality of legal highs is in any way confusing.

A spokesman said: “It’s very straightforward – if you are caught selling legal highs you may be arrested, the same as with illegal highs. Because ‘legal’ does not always mean ‘not against the law’. It’s obvious really.

“In case you were wondering, the term ‘legal highs’ includes a variety of substances including nitrous oxide and dodgy cannabis substitutes called things like ‘Hermit’s Gold’. Maybe nutmeg too.

“The thing uniting these diverse ‘legal’ substances is that they are banned. However this turnaround in logic does not mean that previously illegal drugs are now all legal.

“Everything that was previously illegal is still illegal, especially cannabis – although we may let you off for having small amounts of cannabis. Actually no we won’t, we’re more hardcore now, I think.

“Or maybe that depends where you live. Could be.

“That’s something we’ll need to check and get back to you about.

“Anyway, it’s all a moot point because all prohibited substances immediately become impossible to purchase, such is the effectiveness of the law.”