Man proves how manly he is by making car go faster than other man

A MAN has proved he is extremely masculine and virile by driving slightly faster than another man, he feels.  

Driver Wayne Hayes demonstrated how physically and sexually powerful he was after spotting fellow road user Martin Bishop ahead of him on a B-road.

Sales executive Hayes said: “I pushed the accelerator down and within seconds my car was travelling faster than his car. God, I must have loads of excellent testosterone.

“Just by being ahead the guy was insulting me. I couldn’t let him get away with that so I took my Vauxhall Astra up to almost 50mph. I don’t think there’s any doubt now who has the biggest dick.

“When he caught up with me at some lights I revved the engine furiously. I expect that made him wet himself. It’s a shame he had his windows up because I’d have liked to hear his cries of fear.

“If we had to do a manly thing like a sword fight or killing a dinosaur I’d win. He probably has erection problems too. I don’t, most of the time.”

Other driver Martin Bishop said: “Who is this Wayne Hayes chap? He sounds like a bit of a knob.”

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Teacher given whole box of Maltesers for putting up with absolute little shit for a year

A TEACHER who kept her temper with an outstandingly horrible adolescent girl for a full year has been rewarded with a £3 box of Maltesers.

Joanna Kramer has endured constant provocation from 14-year-old Nikki Hollis since last September and has now been thanked with a gift worth less than a babysitter gets per hour.

Kramer said: “No reward would be adequate for dealing with Nikki. But some rewards are more inadequate than others.

“She snipes, she mutters, she connives, she disrupts and to top it all she’s thick as pigshit. So thank you, Nikki’s parents, for a small box of spherical chocolate.

“When Josh’s mother gave me a bottle of Prosecco at least she acknowledged the numerous weeknights I’ve been driven to drink by his totally incomprehensible homework.

“But Nikki? A £40 bouquet would barely recognise what a saint I’ve been. That bitchy remark about my ‘granny hair’ was worth a bottle of vodka alone.”

Hollis’s father Dan said: “Look, if everyone’s getting compensation for how dreadful Nikki is I’m in line for millions.”