Man reports neighbours to police for having much better sex than him

A MAN reported his neighbours to the police  after it emerged they were having much better sex than he has ever had.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, became furious at the incredible intercourse next door, insisting it is against the law to remind him how bad he is in bed.

He said: “I think the man even gave her an orgasm. What happened to basic, common decency?

“Feel free to have sex behind my kitchen wall if you need to, but keep it mechanical. The second you enjoy intense erotic pleasure with your gorgeous partner is when you infringe upon my rights.”

The couple have sent a hand written note to Logan apologising for enjoying the kind of sex he has never experienced and never will.

Parents wilfully refuse to understand what son does for a living

THE parents of a 36-year-old software engineer have once again purposefully resisted understanding what he does as a job. 

Tom Booker of Cambridge, who works as a UI engineer for a phone company, would happily to explain how he makes a living to his parents if they ever stopped telling him it was all nonsense to them.

He said: “I’ve been doing this job for 11 years. They’ve got phones. All I do is write the programs that makes your touchscreen work when you press it. There. Done.

“But will they listen? No, they prefer to interrupt saying ‘Your grandfather was a stonemason’ and ‘These jobs these days, I swear they make them up.’

“All they do is say ‘Computers!’ or ‘You might as well be a sorcerer for all we know!’ He’s university lecturer and she worked in marketing, but for some reason they expect my job to be pre-industrial.”

Booker’s wife Rebecca, a financial product manager, agreed: “I design anti-fraud procedures,  but my in-laws are convinced I work in a bank. Sometimes they give me jars of coppers and ask me to pay them in.”

Tom admitted: “Yeah, I have no idea what Rebecca does.”