Man riding penny farthing is coolest motherf**ker of all time

A HIPSTER riding an old bicycle through London has been judged the coolest motherf**ker in history.

Julian Cook took his newly acquired mode of transport out for the first time yesterday, safe in the knowledge he was sure to make a scene.

Eyewitness Emma Bradford said: “He’s like Picasso, mixed with Bruce Lee with a hint of Jimi Hendrix thrown in.

“His graceful presence caused total strangers to strike-up conversations about how amazing he was and how we all wanted to be just like him.

“I don’t know how anyone could possibly arrive at the conclusion that he’s a self-absorbed bellend.”

Cook said: “I don’t really care if they were looking at me to be honest. You don’t ride a penny farthing to be looked at.

“You do it for the love of large, 19th Century bicycles.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Jihadi John’s plans for Christmas single ruined

JIHADI John’s novelty Christmas single has been shelved after a successful drone strike.

Come On Baby (Join the Global Caliphate) was set to launch on next weekend’s Strictly Come Dancing, with ‘John’ on vocals, Isis leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi on sleigh bells, and three backing dancers forbidden to dance, sing or move.

Manager Bill McKay said: “John’s ambition, apart from killing the prime minister, had always been to go on Top of the Pops and the Christmas one is the only one left.

“We had it all planned out. He was turning on the Christmas lights in Derby next week and then he was supposed to be doing Saturday Kitchen.

McKay said that working with Jihadi John had been ‘challenging’ as the psychotic terrorist was clearly desperate to be famous while simultaneously rejecting celebrity as a symptom of corrupt western decadence.

He added: “It’s such a shame as the song is quite catchy. We really thought this could be the next Gangnam Style.