Man somehow remembers school fondly despite hating every second of it

A MAN has given a glowing account of his school days that is very different to how his friends remember it.

Office worker Tom Logan told friends in the pub how much he had enjoyed school, apparently misremembering his academic and sporting ineptitude and massive unpopularity.

Logan said: “I had a great time. I’d love to go back. I even wonder what some of the old teachers are up to nowadays. Remember Mr Griffiths? What a character.”

However childhood friend Nathan Muir said: “Tom seems to have somehow forgotten he was shit at everything and not very popular. What was his nickname again? Oh yeah. ‘Twat’.

“I can’t remember him having any friends except that weird kid Colin. He definitely wasn’t ‘pretty good’ at football as he claims because he spent every match standing alone in goal. 

“Also Mr Griffiths who he so fondly remembers hated all children with a vengeance. I think he’s in prison now. There was an incident with a sheep.

“At least nowadays kids have technology to remind them how shit school was. Gavin Mack the bully would definitely have filmed himself rubbing a dead frog on Tom’s head.”

Logan added: “It’s no wonder they say it’s the best days of your life.”

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'You can be anything you want' says lying bastard dad

A FATHER has been feeding his child utter bollocks about being able to have any job they want when they grow up.

Martin Bishop has been promoting the ridiculous idea to his son Max with a completely straight face and apparent sincerity.

Bishop’s wife Helen said: “Let’s get real here. No child can be ‘anything they want’, especially not Max who is nine and still sucks his thumb. We’re talking office fodder at best.

“His dad’s irresponsible propaganda implies he could become a senior Conservative politician or a flamboyant business tycoon, but since he’s not related to anyone rich or famous, this is clearly bullshit.

“Nor has Martin made him aware of the intense competition and high level of qualifications needed to be a doctor, spaceman or just a normal pilot.

“He’d be better off being told ‘You can be anything you want in this book’ and being handed a printout of local jobs filtered by low-to-medium income, within a 15-mile radius of this house.”

Nine-year-old Max said: “I am going to be a famous inventor and invent the first time machine and bring back dinosaurs, or work in logistics in Northampton.”