Man steeling himself for two hours of helping with cooking

A FATHER-OF-TWO is psyching himself up to assist with the cooking on Christmas Day.

Stephen Malley has been preparing for his annual foray into the kitchen by telling everyone he knows that he cooks ‘an epic feast’ on Christmas Day.

Malley said: “My wife does such an incredible job looking after our family that sacrificing two hours of Xbox time to effortlessly nail Christmas dinner is the least I could do. It’s a big thing though, probably on a par with the D-Day landings.”

Malley’s wife Susie said: “He enters the kitchen with a beer around 11.30am and peels some potatoes before finding a reason to take out the rubbish and not come back for an hour.”

Malley said: “I’m on it with the veg peeling, the chopping, not to mention working out how the hob and oven work. 

“By the time we sit down for lunch I can’t face going back in the kitchen to do the washing up.

“But, in a way, cooking the Christmas meal is like my present to my wife.

“Actually it is my present to my wife. That and a shit novel called Diary of a Chelsea Girl.”




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Jesus had goatee phase

JESUS had a goatee for a bit but nobody was into it, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies have unearthed scrolls describing Jesus’s ‘goatee phase’ when he decided to try a different, sleeker look.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When Jesus arrived for a sermon with his new goatee, the disciples fell about in hysterics.

“Peter asked him if he’d been getting grooming tips off the devil. Everyone laughed and looked at him like he was cleverer than Jesus.

“This was the first time that anyone had really taken the piss out of Christ. He became angry and threatened to do a bad miracle on them, like turning them into farming equipment.

“Jesus then visited Mary to ask her opinion. She said it was ‘original’ and ‘good’. It seems obvious that she was lying, even if you didn’t have Jesus’s supernatural God-powers.

“That’s when Jesus went alone into the desert to let it grow out, and Satan appeared to tempt him with beard trimmers, offering to invent death metal and make Jesus frontman of a really popular band.”