Man unconvincingly claims kids are best thing that's happened to him

A FATHER-OF-TWO is probably lying when he tells people having children is the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Office worker Tom Logan frequently describes fatherhood as incredibly fulfilling, but with the air of someone who has just been given a long prison sentence.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “He says he wouldn’t swap it for anything, which I find hard to believe when he’s holding down a full-time job while basically being a slave to two tiny bastards whose main interests are picky eating and screaming.

“I bet he’d swap it for the time in his 20s when he was going out with that hot Aussie girl and going to loads of raves. Because that definitely sounds better than wiping custard off a wall while feeling incredibly tired.”

Logan said: “When you’ve got kids you’re always learning interesting new things like how to navigate a car through busy traffic while being pestered with some bullshit about nursery.

“Still, it’s all worth it now that my mum and dad can drone on about being proud grandparents without actually helping except when they occasionally feel like it.”

Logan then stared at a snot-covered toy panda for 30 seconds, before trudging to the kitchen to do a massive load of washing.

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Well done you corporate cake whores, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has congratulated the hosts of Channel 4’s Great British Bake Off for betraying everything baking stands for.

Berry, who now only makes cakes at illegal baking parties in disused warehouses after turning her back on the money, said: “Baking was never about the cash, it was about the vibe.

“Unless you’re Paul ‘Paul Fucking Hollywood’ Hollywood or the other corporate cake whores.

“Do all those cakes taste of money? Or just Channel 4’s big corporate cock? This is worse than when John Lydon did a butter advert.”

She added: “When we started Bake Off we were young – I probably wasn’t much more than 81 – and angry and thought we could change the world through cake. There were no adverts, just overtly sexual gags and open spoon-licking.

“Just don’t be surprised if you open one of those ovens to find a big steaming ‘Berry’s chocolate log’ in there.”