Man wearing f**king shorts

THERE have been sightings of a man walking around in f**king shorts.

Stunned bystanders saw the shorts-wearing man wandering around Bristol city centre, like he did not have a care in the world.

Shopper Tom Booker said: “I swear to God, he was wearing fucking shorts. I turned to my wife and said, ‘that man’s wearing f**king shorts’.

“She was like, ‘bloody hell, he is too’.

“It was really, really cold. He’s either some kind of superhero or just doesn’t own any trousers.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The only rational explanation is that the unidentified man must have been wearing some sort of two-tone trousers that were flesh-coloured from the knee downwards.

“There’s no way anyone’s going around wearing shorts, not in this weather.”

However shop owner Julian Cook said: “It was definitely shorts. I swear to God.

“Unbelievable. F**king shorts.”

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MPs recommend weed for Tories opposed to gay marriage

CANNABIS should be legalised for Tories who are frightened of the gayness, MPs have claimed.

The House of Commons home affairs select committee said the drug would help dozens of right-wing backbenchers refocus their minds on the concept of love.

In a report the committee said: “It’s very easy for people to get lost in the fog of their own bigotry. Cannabis will guide them home like a massive horn.”

The move was backed by scientists and doctors who said the chances of cannabis making someone even more frightened of homosexual intercourse were very small.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: “After just a few minutes you realise that all sex between consenting adults is something to be cherished. You may not feel that gay sex is for you, but you’re incredibly pleased for those who love it.

“And within moments it occurs to you just how utterly fantastic it would be if those people could celebrate their love in exactly the same way as everyone else.

“And then you want to be invited to every single gay wedding on the planet. And then you start thinking about what you would wear. And then you suddenly realise that the wedding ‘theme’ should be ‘The Bourne Identity’.”

But anti-gay marriage Tory MP, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “I tried cannabis once before. It led me to proposition a young fireman called Geoff. He turned me down. I’m not going through that again.”