Man who says he never knows when to tip always defaults to 'not tip'

A MAN who never knows when it is appropriate to tip always decides it would be less embarrassing not to, friends have noticed.

Tom Booker of Crewe suffers such an agony of indecision about tipping too little or too much, too early or too late, that he adroitly sidesteps the issue by never tipping at all.

Friend Joanna Kramer explained: “It’s a very specific form of social anxiety that only hits Tom whenever he has to calculate the gratuity for service staff.

“In restaurants he’ll start working out random percentages when handed the bill, before taking a fiver out of his wallet and putting it back in. Then he’ll walk out with an uncertain backward glance, doubting whether he got it right in leaving nothing.

“When handing cash to taxi drivers you can see his mouth move noiselessly as he wonders what to tip. He might be summoning the courage to say ‘keep the change’ but he never does and just pockets the cash instead.

“It’s a shame he finds these moments so difficult to navigate. And a shame he ends every night out with a £20 profit.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mid-30s woman with no partner or kids unsure whether she's a total failure or f**king smashing it

A SINGLE woman in her mid-30s with no kids cannot tell if she is winning at life or a complete and utter loser.

35-year-old Lucy Parry is largely content with her relationship status and child-free lifestyle, but is bombarded by conflicting messages that make her feel worthless on a daily basis.

Parry said: “On the one hand I’m girlbossing my life by living on my own terms, yet on the other I’m a spinster in the making who needs to get her shit together. Which is it?

“I turned to Cosmopolitan for some advice, but all it did was reinforce my contradictory feelings of triumph and defeat while teaching me adventurous sex positions I’d have to be a slut to try. It’s like there’s a whole industry built on these paradoxes.

“If I don’t figure out how I’m supposed to feel then I’ll stay frozen in these emotional headlights for the next 50 years and never truly enjoy myself. Which all the magazines say not to do.”

Parry’s married friend and mother of two Emma Bradford added: “Whenever I think of Lucy’s situation I can’t help but sympathise with her. The tragic, lucky cow.”