Man who washes car deeply suspicious of man who doesn’t

A MAN who hand-washes his car every weekend believes there is something fundamentally wrong with his next-door neighbour, who does not. 

Stephen Malley, from Stafford, who spends four hours washing and waxing his Honda Civic each Saturday, says he is still waiting for a ‘smoking gun’ he can take to the police.

He added: “He’s in, he’s not working, and he knows what he should be doing because I’m out here every weekend since 2006 leading by example.

“But it remains unwashed for weeks and weeks, and when he does suddenly come home with it clean I strongly suspect he’s had it valeted.

“Having your car touched by other men. Foreigners, with their hands all over it, doing it for money. That alone proves I have to be on high alert.”

Malley suspects his neighbour is guilty of crimes of including terrorism, sedition, treason, consorting with anti-monarchists and gross moral turpitude.

He added: “You know who wouldn’t bother washing a car? Someone who was planning to blow it up. Who blows cars up? ISIS.”

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This weird shit is called 'contouring', say women

THE thing women do to their faces which looks like a paint-by-numbers chessboard is called ‘contouring’, it has been confirmed. 

The make-up technique, which involves shading in areas of your face as if doing GCSE art homework, is popular with women confident they will only be looked at from one specific angle.

Carolyn Ryan, from Ipswich, explained: “Contouring is simulating the effects of three-dimensional lighting on a two-dimensional surface, but on a three-dimensional surface.

“In practice that means that you paint some bits of your face dark and some light and it does, with very careful preparation, look good in a selfie.

“In real-world conditions, however, it looks like flesh-coloured forest camouflage or something from a Channel 5 documentary.

“We do it because we’re bored. And you’ll say it looks good if you don’t want us to fuck you up.”