Man whose house has gone up in value thinks he's a brilliant businessman

A MAN who has benefited from constantly rising property prices somehow believes it is due to his excellent business skills.

Cafe owner Norman Steele, 56, feels the ridiculously high £525,000 value of his three-bedroom home can only be the result of his shrewd eye for an investment.

Steele said: “Clearly when I bought the house 30 years ago I subconsciously realised it would be worth a fortune later on.

“People might say it’s just luck, but actually I was playing a skilful game of paying my mortgage and carefully monitoring the property market by reading the Daily Express.

“I’ve made a huge return on what I paid originally, so if I start doing loads of other business deals with the same rate of profitability I’ll soon have a luxury yacht full of women in bikinis.

“Perhaps I’ll play the stock market because I watched Trading Places and know you should ‘buy low, sell high’.”

He added: “I admit when I invested in a burger van with my mate Kenny we both ended up two grand out of pocket, but how was I to know you’d need some stupid licence from the council?”

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Nobody believes woman is time traveller from an hour ago

A WOMAN who has time-travelled by an hour is struggling to convince colleagues that she is from the past.

30-year-old Susan Traherne woke up yesterday to discover that although it should have been half past seven, she had mysteriously been transported to half eight.

Traherne, who works in a call centre, told colleagues: “My name is Susan and I am from the past. Some mysterious force has picked me up like a pawn and moved me an hour forward, into your time.

“I know it sounds incredible and I don’t know why this has happened. I can only guess that I have some special mission, some wrong to right, then I will be transported back to my own time, an hour ago, in a blinding flash of light.

“Maybe I have to solve a murder so if anyone knows of an unsolved murder, give me a shout.”

She added: “It may be hard for you to imagine what things were like back then, an hour ago. It was perhaps a more innocent time, but we had love, hopes and fears just as you people of the future do.”

However Susan’s line manager Roy Hobbs said: “Whatever miraculous forces may be at work, she’s still fucking late.”