Man with ‘bullshit detector’ seems to believe a lot of bullshit

A MAN who prides himself on being able to detect ‘bullshit’ believes some incredibly stupid things.

Colleagues of sales manager Roy Hobbs have noticed his ‘bullshit detector’ often malfunctions over dubious facts, odd conspiracy theories and his own abilities.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Roy believes that dolphins can speak an actual language and Lindsay Lohan is a hermaphrodite. And apparently ‘the Russians have captured a ghost in a laboratory’.

“I’m sure none of that’s true, which makes me doubt other things he’s said, like seatbelts being bullshit because you get decapitated instead of going safely through the windscreen.”

Other subjects Hobbs has ‘called bullshit’ on include astrology, supermarket deals and global warming, although he remains convinced that hiding a 50p piece in your mouth will defeat breathalyser tests and rats can form a pyramid to attack larger adversaries.

Hobbs said: “I’m probably just more intelligent than other people, or it could be instinctive, like those dogs who can tell when their owner’s coming home because they’re telepathic.”

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Cameron thinks ‘bruv’ means ‘a cup of tea’

THE prime minister thinks the word ‘bruv’ is a slang term for a hot drink.

David Cameron has been incorrectly using the term in a confident manner to describe a cup of tea.

A source said: “Yesterday he was like ‘time for a lovely bruv’ and everyone just looked at each other.

“He persisted with ‘come on, I’m parched, it’s time for a bruv-up’. Who’s going to get a bruv on? I want a nice milky bruv and one of those Hob Nob oaty bredrins’.

“Still nobody responded so he mimed holding a cup and saucer and said ‘bruv?’.

“He particularly likes saying the word, it’s his new favourite after his ‘babycakes’ phase.”