Man wondering if Carphone Warehouse is okay after day without sales call

A MAN with a mobile contract that is soon to expire is worried about the staff at Carphone Warehouse after going 24 hours without a call.

Tom Logan felt bereft when he did not receive either his pre-work or early evening call from a sales assistant offering him a limited-time-only upgrade.

Logan said: “I just hope everyone at the Carphone Warehouse is okay, something terrible must have happened for them not to call. I may have been a bit cold with them at first but I’ve come to enjoy our twice or thrice daily catch-ups.

“I ask about how Susan’s daughter is getting on at school or whether Neeraj ever did buy that motorbike. They ask me about my mobile date requirements and outline seven possible packages that could save me money today.

“They can’t be calling someone else instead to offer them a 24-month contract that’s just perfect for them can they?

“That would kill me.”

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What will you be blaming Christmas for this year?

WHETHER you are skint, hungover or fat, blame it all on Jesus’s birthday.

Being skint in January
It is definitely not your fault you spent an absurd amount of money an organic tree, a premium gin advent calendar, an iPad for your toddler and designer gifts for your dog who has no idea what Christmas is.

Being overweight
Everyone knows that during December, mince pies jump into your mouth, extra drinks are poured down your throat and cake, chocolate and leftover roast potatoes chase you around the house with axes until you consume them. Thanks a lot, Jesus.

Being a pisshead
It’s Christmas who will say ‘let’s do shots’ and ‘we should open a fourth bottle of wine because t’is the season to be merry as fuck’. And Christmas will be no help at all when your head feels like it’s filled with gravel and bleach.

Being a shit parent
The kids are up late eating chocolate oranges and slowly turning feral but this is nothing to do with the fact that you had a few sherries at lunchtime and you are too tired to be a parent. Christmas is the head of a vast, multi-national conspiracy to make you look feckless.

Burning down your house
It was Christmas who convinced you to make deep fried tempura prawns for the first time in your life while making vodka and brandy cocktails and playing Red Dead Redemption. And why didn’t Christmas buy a fire extinguisher? Christmas is an untrustworthy son of a bitch.

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