MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.
Burglars breaking into a Salford household on Wednesday were attacked with a knife stolen from a shop in Levenshulme that had been squatted by criminals from Moss Side.
Jane Thompson, professor of under-class cannibalism at Roehampton University, said: “It’s becoming an MC Escher drawing filled with pasty-faced skagheads.
“By 2013 there’ll be one scrawny, nasal, tracksuit jockey on a building site in Crumpsall punching himself in the face surrounded by 3,000 bored but exceptionally happy coppers egging him on.”
Meanwhile it has also been predicted that Manchester’s level of self-regard will soon reach ‘critical manc’, where the buildings start to face each other and eventually merge to form one enormous converted cotton mill selling Smiths memorabilia and Boddingtons.
The massive density of the building will eventually cause it to disappear into an alternate universe that scientists believe looks like HP Lovecraft’s version of Coronation Street where the mighty and dreadful Cthulhu serves behind the bar of the Rovers Return.
Professor Thompson added: “The land where Manchester stood won’t be inhabitable for decades as it will still have trace elements of violent arrogance.
“But I’d like to think that my grandchildren may eventually see a flower grow where the Trafford Centre once stood and that it doesn’t look like Ian Brown.”