Man's actual f**king job is teaching kids to DJ and do graffiti

PEOPLE are finding it hard to believe how much a youth worker earns helping teenagers learn skills that are basically hobbies.

Martin Bishop earns £37,000 organising activities such as doodling on a designated graffiti wall and rap battles, causing lesser-paid acquaintances to feel bitter and often nauseous.

Friend Tom Logan said: “I’m all in favour of worthwhile youth work, but what next? Is he going to teach them how to hang round McDonald’s or get shit hot at Assassin’s Creed?

“Maybe I’m just jealous because I earn 23k as a paramedic, but I can’t help but feel these kids will be a bit disappointed when they discover ‘DJing and graffiti’ isn’t actually a job.”

Bishop said: “If you don’t keep young people occupied they could easily set up crack gangs and kill innocent bystanders with their MAC-10s, although admittedly that has never happened in Knutsford.

“However I have to admit I’m slightly concerned about encouraging kids in careers that have less chance of success than becoming fucking Han Solo.

“Also in the unlikely event they do succeed I’ll have unleashed 25 Calvin Harrises and 50 Cents on the world and I may have to kill myself.”

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London pisses itself at Leeds' idea of a traffic jam

LONDON has almost wet itself laughing at the city of Leeds’ idea of what constitutes a proper traffic jam.

The capital’s hilarity was caused by drivers in Leeds becoming angry and despondent due to a pathetic temporary gridlock at 5.30pm in the City Square.

Van driver Roy Hobbs said: “Call that a traffic jam? Ten cars waiting at red lights? Londoners can be stuck in traffic for three hours and we still laugh it off as ‘minor congestion’.

“You Northerners are fond of telling Southerners we’re soft, but have you ever been trapped all afternoon on the North Circular with nothing to eat except half a bottle of Evian and two Polos?

“There’s heavy goods vehicles trying to get from Epping to Guildford that set out in 2012 and they’re still only in Clapham.

“In a proper London jam you might never move again. Just yesterday I armed myself with the jack handle in case we were stuck there permanently and people started turning cannibal.”

Leeds resident Donna Sheridan said: “I’ll concede that Londoners are better at traffic jams but that doesn’t excuse cockney bullshit, all those bloody musicals and Danny Dyer.”