A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium.
Straight man Norman Steele, aged 53, was easily able to identify gay men and women of the 20th century, but admits for the last 22 years it has gone a bit haywire.
He said: “Back when I was young it was Larry Grayson, Marc Almond, Julian Clary and Bronski Beat. You knew where you were in those days.
“But now? They don’t openly mince any more. The women don’t always have short hair and the man don’t carry handbags. Nobody calls each other ‘ducky’ and I’m told they can get through whole conversations without an outrageous double entendre.
“My son said watching Eurovision, visiting antiques fairs with a male friend or owning small dogs are all signs of gayness, but I do those. Antiques fairs are brilliant for military memorabilia.
“My gaydar’s on the blink. Homosexuals could be in the same room as me and I wouldn’t know it. The only criteria I’ve got left is ‘have previously or are currently hosting Bake-Off stroke QI’.”
Steele added: “Apparently they’re bringing back these wild, over-the-top queers in rubber shorts riding giant pink penises in parades. That’s very helpful and if I see one I’ll say so.”