Friday, 4th December 2020

Man's only personality trait is the fact he has a new car

A MAN has no clear personality apart from the fact that he has just bought another expensive car, friends have confirmed. 

Martin Bishop avoids complex issues like feelings, current affairs, opinions, popular culture and openness in favour of talking about his recent purchase of a Range Rover Evoque in ‘Indus silver’.

Friend Helen Archer said: “Despite knowing Martin for years, all I can be sure about him is that he has heated seats, keyless entry and can go 0-60 in 9.2 seconds.

“I’ve tried to get him to open up, but he was more interested in discussing the intelligent emergency braking. Also it was hard to hear him over Now That’s What I Call Driving Anthems at full blast on his 11-speaker stereo.”

Bishop said: “I think I may have displayed some ‘personality’ in the past. But I don’t like looking back, unless I’m using the Range’s rear parking camera with in-built motion sensors.

“I can change though. I’m pretty sure I felt a tiny glimmer of something which might have been ‘regret’ when I thought about how much the car was depreciating as I drove it off the forecourt.”

Bishop now plans to show more personality in the form of a hideously expensive personalised number plate that does not quite make sense, such as ‘B15H 6J’.