Married friends pretending to feel sorry for divorced man

THE married friends of a recently divorced man are trying very hard to sound like they feel sorry for him, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley, 36 from Durham, divorced six month ago and now lives alone in a flat in the city centre where friends fear he may not have made the slightest effort to find out how to use the washing machine.

Malley’s friend Roy Hobbs said: “I would go and see if he needs cheering up, but my sister-in-law and her four children are coming for a weekend that will be noisy and tiring, yet ultimately deeply fulfilling.

“When I got back tonight I found one of my kids had diarrhoea and the other was struggling with his maths homework  and I had failed to buy milk and bread on the way home despite receiving several text messages on the subject.

“Whereas when Steve got home he ordered a takeaway, watched football and updated his Tinder profile. His is a dangerously empty and meaningless existence.”

Another friend, Mary Fisher said: ‘‘I worry that now Stephen does not have my happy routine of domestic chores and family obligations, he is trapped in a meaningless cycle of casual sex and nightly pub visits.

“Tomorrow I’m going to a children’s soft play centre, then Burger King, then a supermarket. Meanwhile he’ll be lying in bed, probably feeling sad.”

Man defeats Mark Zuckerberg to become first person to complete Facebook

A MAN has become the first person to complete Facebook after defeating ‘end boss’ Mark Zuckerberg, it has emerged.

Tom Logan clocked up a record 400,000 hours on Facebook, completing every task and adding half a million people before progressing to the final level.

He said: “On the last screen there’s a massive glowing Zuckerberg moving slowly from left to right, but if you throw enough questions about his tax arrangements at him eventually he collapses and you get the biggest, bluest thumbs up you’ve ever seen.”

Logan celebrated completing Facebook by posting a status update about it, which was then followed by 10,000 people asking ‘Is everything ok, hun?’ and ‘PM me if you want to talk.’

Logan has now said that he wants to complete Twitter by the end of 2020.

He added: “To complete Twitter you have to get Stephen Fry, Ricky Gervais and Donald Trump to all retweet the same picture of your genitals.”