Married friends sit back to see if singles will mate

A COUPLE who invited an unattached man and a recently divorced woman to a dinner party are hoping they will breed.

The breeding program began when singles Julian Cook and Emma Bradford were positioned next to each other on the sofa by a host who highlighted their shared appreciation of Buena Vista Social Club.

One of the marrieds, Nikki Hollis, 34 from Ruislip, said: “It’s like when Edinburgh zoo brought a male panda over from China and shut him in the cage with Tian Tian – a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

“Though naturally I’ve no idea if Janet is ovulating at the moment. Perhaps I should take her temperature?”

Hollis’s husband Stephen Malley said: “You just don’t know if the female will reject him.

“He overstepped the mark earlier with some self-conscious references to an obscure documentary about reggae, but pulled it back with a nice quip about the cheesecake.”

Malley said that later in the evening he would photograph the newly introduced pair through a telephoto lens so as not to put them off.

Fellow married guest Helen Archer said: “We don’t get any vicarious thrill out of it at all. None whatsoever.

“Though obviously it would be great if later the two of them disappear into the bathroom and started rutting like boar in a forest. Especially since we have set up the webcam and everything.”

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Ask Holly: My once promising career has come to nothing

Dear Holly,

Me and a few former colleagues are having a reunion and I’m all paranoid because I’m old and past my prime and my once promising career has come to nothing. The last few years I’ve mostly been getting stoned and eating biscuits, and they’re all going to laugh at me, especially Bobby the Banana. Should I just sack the whole thing and stay home and watch Escape to the Country with a bucket meal?

Edd the Duck

Salford

Dear Edd the Duck,

Did you know that children’s’ TV used to only be on for a couple of hours a day? What the hell did everyone do for the other 22 hours? And did you also know you only had a choice between the BBC or ITV and no other channels because Nickelodeon hadn’t even been invented by Tim Berners-Lee? And did you know it was obligatory to have at least one rubbish puppet and someone with a mullet getting ‘gunged’ in every single programme? No wonder middle-aged people are all depressed alcoholics, constantly bringing our society to the brink of war: they were COMPLETELY deprived of Doc McStuffins. Without Doc we would have no-one to teach us compassion and rudimentary veterinary medicine. Such a terrible tragedy for the older generation.

Hope that helps,

Holly