Massive argument somehow fails to clear the air

A COUPLE are inexplicably still on bad terms despite having just had a massive row.

Nikki Hollis lost it at boyfriend Wayne Hayes after ongoing selfish behaviour culminated in him pretending to be ‘working late’ while actually in the pub.

She said: “It’s well established that the best way to ‘get things out in the open’ and begin the healing process is to have a massive argument with lots of swearing. So I went to the pub and called Wayne a ‘weasel-faced manchild fuckwit’ in front of his mates.

“He responded by calling me ‘Robocop’ which frankly I thought was weak but still annoying.”

The argument continued for 28 minutes, taking in both of their character flaws and physical imperfections like having a big arse or a puny chest.

Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve seen a lot of films so I know that after a big argument you either embrace and swearing undying love or simply have amazing sex.

“But it just sort of petered out, I got out my laptop and started looking at random things on eBay and Nikki went in the other room to read her book in a moody way.

“I don’t understand how it hasn’t made things better, so I’ve ordered a book off Amazon called How to Have Better Massive Arguments.”

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Sports Direct considering having a sale

SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has admitted that he may be forced to discount prices in his stores for the first time. 

The high-fashion retailer, where British Knights trainers sell to an exclusive clientele at around £1,200 a pair, has been forced to desperate measures by a slump in its share price.

Mike Ashley said: “I never thought I’d say this, but Sports Direct is having a sale.

“Yes, we run the risk of damaging our high-end brand, compared to Prada or Hermes, and losing our status as a destination retail experience, but we need cash.

“I’m hoping the pre-opera crowd will find the yellow signs in our windows hilariously ironic, like an art installation, and not notice that Lonsdale hoodies are only £11.49.”

Ashley has indicated that the sale will last for somewhere between six weeks and 12 years, with items reduced by a mere 95 to 98 percent.

Wayne Hayes said: “Finally I might be able to buy from Sports Direct instead of just peering through the windows and dreaming.

“Maybe one of their signature mugs, like Karl Lagerfeld drinks from.

“Ah, who am I kidding. Their snooty, elitist staff will spot me the minute I’m through the door.”