Maths basically impossible

BRITAIN’S poor numeracy is the fault of maths for being so hard, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found the reason almost 50% of the UK cannot do basic arithmetic is because maths is impossible to learn.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s easy to point the finger at individuals or the education system, but the real problem is with maths itself. It’s like a foreign language or something. Seriously, have you tried it lately?

“Have a go at some multiplication. I guarantee you will give up.”

He added: “The most straightforward ‘solution’ – if I may use a maths-y word –  is to ban maths altogether, then no-one would have to feel bad.”

Nikki Hollis, a sales manager from Stevenage, said: “I think if we stopped maths it may have some negative effects but the plus points would outweigh them.

“I have no idea what any of that means.”

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Tyrannosaurus Rex got mad respect

THE T-Rex received bare respect back in the day because of its powerful jaws but was not immune to haters, experts have claimed.

Scientists believe any dinosaurs fronting up to the mighty beast would have gotten instant bad man beat downs.

Dinosaur street credibility expert Stephen Malley said: “T would not go around merking other dinosaurs just because of some petty beef, or for jokes.”

But it was not always easy for the king of the dinosaurs to keep shit on point.

Malley added: “Sometimes packs of velociprators or an allosaurus – another large but lesser-know theropod of the Jurassic era – would get up in T’s grill.

“But the mighty king would just do a screwface, showing all his big teeth and they would instantly back the fuck up, realising that T was a non-pettance bredrin.

“Triceratops would often front, chatting stupidness and boying T, making him proper vexed because dinosaurs of the therapod and ceratopsid genuses have had beef since time. But when the two clashed, triceratops would invariably get bruk up.”

However scientists remain divided on which, if any, of the saurians smoked draw.

Malley said: “Probably brontosauruses smoked once in a while, but only when weed was easily available. They still would have had grazing, seasonal migration and other general shit to do, so it’s likely they blazed a milder ‘day weed’ rather than mad hydro shit, which would also have made them all paranoid about the impending Ice Age.”