McDonalds relaunched as moody teen hangout

FAST food giant McDonalds is re-branding its restaurants as foodless leisure spaces for bored, hostile teenagers.

The scheme was conceived after McDonalds executives noticed many outlets were primarily used by teenagers for hanging out in because they’re too young for the pub.

These teens rarely eat, preferring to spend their time intimidating adults and throwing things at each other.

In the re-vamped branches, food has been completely removed from the menu.  Instead teenagers can buy McGraffiti pens and Chuckin’ McNuggets, lumps of rubber designed for throwing at girls you fancy.

The company’s trademark Happy Meals will be re-branded as Angsty Meals.  In line with the new policy, the ‘meal’ will contain no food, being just a box filled with a sense of emptiness, and a plastic vampire.

The chain will also change its slogan from the familiar “I’m lovin’ it,” to the more teen-friendly, “I hate you, leave me alone.” Company mascot Ronald McDonald will be replaced by the Joker from Batman.

A McDonalds spokesman explained: “Teenage years can be bleak, lonely and miserable, and McDonalds is the perfect place to experience that, especially when it’s raining outside.

“It’s a place to come and fiddle with your phone while looking pissed off, and best of all no food equals zero calories, effectively combatting childhood obesity.”

Instead of serving food, adult staff will be employed to sit in the ‘restaurants’, having things thrown at their backs until they turn around and shout angrily, at which point all the customers will laugh and call them a ‘bender’.



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Miliband's Oxbridge club binged on Star Wars

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband was part of an Oxbridge social club that would watch Star Wars up to 48 times in a row.

Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act have detailed exploits of Oxbridge social clubs.

These include David Cameron’s notorious Bullingdon Club and Ed Miliband’s less well-known Bantha Gang, a group of science fiction fans named after the large mammals ridden by the Tusken raiders in Star Wars.

The Bantha Gang’s initiation ceremony involved going into Oxford’s Blockbuster branch and repeatedly asking for ‘A New Hope’ – which is the subtitle of the film known as Star Wars – until the confused staff demanded they fuck off.

Former Bantha Gang member Stephen Malley said: “We had no respect for rules. For example in Dungeons & Dragons, you are meant to use a 12-sided dice during combat with monsters, but we would use two six-sided dice instead – pure anarchy.

“We were young and crazy about role playing games, science fiction films, comics. Sometimes we would stay up all night eating crisps and talking about stormtroopers.

“And the women…there weren’t any.”

Ed Miliband became Grand Bantha of the exclusive socially-inept group after teaching himself to speak Jawa, the language of those little things in hoods that kidnap C3P0 and R2D2.

Stephen Malley said: “Ed spent days decoding all their little burbling sounds. We would go to the pub, drink cola and have whole conversations in Jawa.”

“Then we would get beaten up.”