FAST food giant McDonalds is re-branding its restaurants as foodless leisure spaces for bored, hostile teenagers.
The scheme was conceived after McDonalds executives noticed many outlets were primarily used by teenagers for hanging out in because they’re too young for the pub.
These teens rarely eat, preferring to spend their time intimidating adults and throwing things at each other.
In the re-vamped branches, food has been completely removed from the menu. Instead teenagers can buy McGraffiti pens and Chuckin McNuggets, lumps of rubber designed for throwing at girls you fancy.
The companys trademark Happy Meals will be re-branded as Angsty Meals. In line with the new policy, the meal will contain no food, being just a box filled with a sense of emptiness, and a plastic vampire.
The chain will also change its slogan from the familiar Im lovin it, to the more teen-friendly, I hate you, leave me alone. Company mascot Ronald McDonald will be replaced by the Joker from Batman.
A McDonalds spokesman explained: Teenage years can be bleak, lonely and miserable, and McDonalds is the perfect place to experience that, especially when it’s raining outside.
“It’s a place to come and fiddle with your phone while looking pissed off, and best of all no food equals zero calories, effectively combatting childhood obesity.”
Instead of serving food, adult staff will be employed to sit in the ‘restaurants’, having things thrown at their backs until they turn around and shout angrily, at which point all the customers will laugh and call them a ‘bender’.