Meals without the telly on: the signs you're lower middle class

3rd February 2023

TREADING the line between upper and lower middle class is a delicate act. Here are the things that will place you firmly at the bottom.

You eat meals without the telly on

Your family is interesting and cultured enough to make conversation instead of watching TV. On week nights, at least. A couple, anyway. Unless there’s something really good on. And of course it’s different when you’re having a takeaway.

You’ll get extra sides without looking at the price, if it’s a chain

Forget worrying about the bill, dining out should be a thrilling culinary experience, unconstrained by something as pedestrian as a budget. However, it’s understood that the following caveats are in place: it’s a chain with a deal on, they accept vouchers and no main meal is more than £15. Bon ap’, as you always irritatingly say.

You proclaim how great theatre is, but don’t go

ITV is the codename for trash in your house. Who would demean themselves by watching The Masked Singer when the bold and truly relevant stuff is on the stage? Although you’ve heard this all secondhand, as the last thing you saw live was the Dirty Dancing tour in 2018.

You buy clothes from charity shops, but not because you have to

There’s nothing like the thrill of bagging a hardly worn Monsoon dress for a fraction of its recommended retail price. Not because you’re strapped for cash, you just enjoy bragging about sustainability and slow fashion. You’re picky about which charities you support though: cancer and animals is fine, but you won’t stoop to the local refugee one. They never get the good stuff.

You desperately try to prove to everyone you’re working class

Honestly, you’re not posh. Yes, your parents went to university, but they pulled themselves up by the bootstraps after a hardscrabble upbringing in a suburb of Manchester. That’s in the North, you know, where the working classes live. Anyway, did you realise that Ocado actually works out cheaper?

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Promiscuous man taking every precaution not to catch feelings

3rd February 2023

A MAN having sex with multiple partners is always careful not to catch feelings for any of them, he has confirmed.

Lothario Tom Booker is engaging with numerous women on a purely physical level in order not to forge any emotional or romantic attachment to them.

He said: “When you’re satisfying as many ladies as I am, it’s important to play it safe. That means no candlelit dinners in fancy restaurants, no deep conversations about their childhood, and definitely no saying what we think about each other.

“Instead, I get straight down to business the second they’re through the door. As soon as we’re done we go our separate ways and I immediately move on to my next conquest. Everyone’s a winner.

“In the unfortunate scenario that I start falling for someone, I just talk about how crazy my ex is or do something physically gross like clip my toenails on the coffee table. They’ll instantly ghost me and I’ll be cured. Works every time.

“The last thing you want is to feel a strange, fuzzy sensation in your chest when you go for a piss. Not only do you have to tell whoever’s currently sleeping in your bed, you have to inform your other partners as well. Total nightmare.”

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