Men who 'care about their appearance' more likely to be twats

MEN who work out and buy facial products are more likely to be twats, it has emerged.

As sale figures confirmed the growing popularity of ‘grooming products’, experts confirmed a link between using male face ointment and being some kind of idiot.

Professor Julian Cook, from Roehampton University, said: “Just because you rub oil-based cream into your face, it does not mean you are a more enlightened man who understands complex emotions.

“You’re just a dick who does as instructed by television advertisers, And you want to be on TOWIE.

“Most ‘metrosexual’ men wean themselves on a diet of glossy men’s magazines with articles about protein supplements and how to get women to do sex things they don’t really want to do.

“They are clinically insane.”

77% of random street violence last year was carried out by men with exfoliated pores and scoop-neck designer t-shirts.

Professor Cook added: “Meathead-type men who wear concealer are very dangerous because they’re acutely paranoid that everyone’s going to start mocking them. Steroids and Clinique are not a good combination.”

26-year-old account executive Tom Booker said: “It’s important to me that I look good. More important, in fact, than anything else in the universe.

“Does that make me a twat?”

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Doing murders 'the new rock 'n' roll'

PEOPLE who do murders are this generation’s equivalent of rock stars, it has been claimed.

A spokesman for Rolling Stone magazine said: “As you can see from our Boston Bomber cover, murderers aren’t just weird old loners – some of them have great hair.

“When you look into Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s eyes, which are like two brown pools, you can tell he is thinking really deep thoughts about bombs.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “The music magazine market has shrunk to just middle-aged men with bad posture, so tapping into the murderer demographic is a really smart move.

“Plus they’ll boost advertising revenue from knife, gun and ‘body-dissolving acid’ companies.”