Sausage factories attack ‘blatant prejudice’

SAUSAGE factories have defended their reputation, saying they are worthwhile businesses without which there would be no sausages.

After Nick Clegg disparagingly referred to sausage factories in an interview, sausage professionals have demanded to know what exactly is so bad about making cylindrical pork products.

Sausage factory owner Tom Logan said: “I also object to the idea that sausage factories represent mindless conformity. I mean you can add all sorts of things to sausages, like chives or even apple.

“We’re pretty much artists, working in the medium of pork.

“It’s enough to make me think about chucking it all in and making fisherman’s pies or something. Then – no more sausages.”

Sausage factory worker Donna Sheridan said: “People don’t say ‘Look at that stupid car factory with all its wheels and glove compartments.’

“If Nick Clegg tried to run a sausage factory it would be like a Norman Wisdom film, with liquid meat squirting out everywhere while he frantically ran around with a bucket.”

The British Federation of Sausage Makers is now planning a nationwide PR campaign including open days at sausage factories, although not the ones that use tendons and anuses.

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I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person

Dear Holly,

I’ve just had to make a difficult decision and I’m not sure if it was the right one. I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person to help me sell bric a brac out the back of a van but all I had to choose from was a pair of wanton hotties. How did this happen? They have befuddled me with their glitter and big shiny pouty lips. I’m all confused. I think Karren Brady has been spiking my tea. Please send help!



Dear Alan,

The only thing you can do in these situations is trust your instinct. I can’t really explain what instinct is, because we haven’t covered it in science yet but it’s just that primordial sense of clarity you get, for example when a really fat person is about to sit at on the other end of the see-saw to you: a split-second decision can be the difference between escaping unscathed and skinning your entire face on concrete.

Hope that helps,