MEN are unable to have long hair without becoming preening narcissists, it has emerged.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies highlighted Russell Brand, Steven Seagal and footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic as being entirely typical of male ponytail owners.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The average long-haired male thinks about his coiffure every four seconds.
“His internal monologue is ‘Are they looking at it?’, ‘Should I switch products?’ and ‘I’d better swish my ponytail around because it looks especially lustrous today’.
“That’s ok if you want to a sportsman or the chosen-for-their-looks drummer in a fake-indie rock band, but in conversation you will not be as strong on non-hair topics.”
Long hair owner Stephen Malley said: “I am a fusion of the sexiest elements of man and woman.
“If my house was burning down and I only had ten seconds to save my girlfriend, I would just run outside to avoid damage to my hair.
“It’s what she would want.”