Middle class advantages outweighed by having to live among middle class people

THE benefits of being born middle class are not worth all the bullshit, it has been claimed.

Researchers found that relatively stupid middle class children still get well-paid jobs. However they pay a heavy price in terms of having to live in some awful cul-de-sac with aspirational parents and dipshit middle management neighbours.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The good part of being born middle class is that you get a nice easy job doing PR for a street food company rather than some exhausting manual work where you are exposed to the wind and rain.

“But you have to grow up in an environment where everyone is obsessed with money, cheese and original holiday destinations.

“Simple meals will last up to nine hours as family friends rattle on about some drab play they’re only pretending to like, and your dad will hate your because of all the financial sacrifices he made to get you into public school as a day pupil.

“Much better to be working class, where somebody in the house has always got cigarettes.”

Middle class 18-year-old Stephen Malley said: “My parents and their friends respond to everything with a kind of exhausting fake joy. Even my mediocre A Level results resulted in a flurry of hugs and kisses.

“It’s exhausting and weirdly slutty.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Chunky, middle-aged Sunday League players now worth £750,000

INFLATED Premier League transfer fees have boosted the average pub team player’s value to three-quarters of a million pounds.

Spiralling top-level valuations have lifted Championship valuations by an average of £15 million, national league players by £2.4 million, and overweight blokes on Hackney Marshes by £750,000.

Centre-back Roy Hobbs, aged 47 and weighing 17 stone, said: “Putting in a few strong clearances on a Sunday morning is my way of working off a hangover.

“So it came as a surprise to find that I’m valued at £800,000 and being scouted by 1461 Trabzon in the Turkish League as a utility player to keep them in the play-off places.”

Van driver and White Hart Academicals goalkeeper Norman Steele said: “My agent says I could retire with a move to the J-League, but I take all the hysterical press speculation with a pinch of salt.

“It’s a fickle game. Last mont we lost 15-0 to Cross Keys Alexandra thanks to 15 unforced errors on my part and my valuation dropped to £550,000.”