Friday, 4th December 2020

Middle-class child banned from watching TV still thick

A CHILD raised on a carefully-curated diet of educational books, Radio 4 and hand-painted wooden toys is still an idiot, his parents have admitted. 

Nine-year-old Oliver Johnson watches neither American cartoons, YouTubers playing videogames or childish prank shows, but nonetheless shows no signs of becoming a musical prodigy or chess grandmaster.

Mother Francesca said: “Everyone knows that television is to children what crystal meth is to adults. It warps their tiny minds and leaves them blithering, Family Guy-quoting dunces.”

“So we got rid of our television before Oli was born to cradle him in an environment of intellectual sophistication where knowledge was available everywhere he turned. But he’s a complete moron.

“His feeble attempt at dinner-table conversation mainly involves farting and bogeys. It’s well-trodden ground and frankly, his thoughts on the subject aren’t particularly original.

“We were hoping he’d get into a nice grammar school but there seems little chance or point, given his intelligence. We could have stuck the thicko in front of Ben 10 years ago.”

The Johnsons have admitted they are not as disappointed as their friends the Cookes, who raised their son gender-neutrally only to find he likes trucks and guns and football.