Middle-class child banned from watching TV still thick

A CHILD raised on a carefully-curated diet of educational books, Radio 4 and hand-painted wooden toys is still an idiot, his parents have admitted. 

Nine-year-old Oliver Johnson watches neither American cartoons, YouTubers playing videogames or childish prank shows, but nonetheless shows no signs of becoming a musical prodigy or chess grandmaster.

Mother Francesca said: “Everyone knows that television is to children what crystal meth is to adults. It warps their tiny minds and leaves them blithering, Family Guy-quoting dunces.”

“So we got rid of our television before Oli was born to cradle him in an environment of intellectual sophistication where knowledge was available everywhere he turned. But he’s a complete moron.

“His feeble attempt at dinner-table conversation mainly involves farting and bogeys. It’s well-trodden ground and frankly, his thoughts on the subject aren’t particularly original.

“We were hoping he’d get into a nice grammar school but there seems little chance or point, given his intelligence. We could have stuck the thicko in front of Ben 10 years ago.”

The Johnsons have admitted they are not as disappointed as their friends the Cookes, who raised their son gender-neutrally only to find he likes trucks and guns and football.

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Can everyone please focus on how we're f**king up Brexit?

by Michael Gove, minister for the Cabinet Office and king-in-waiting

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

There are ministers putting in sterling work cocking up. There are bold new foot-shootings like today’s refusal to even have talks. There are nameless civil servants screwing things up on the ground day after day.

But what do we see? Headlines about lockdowns and restrictions and the R number. Look, pandemics come and pandemics go. A few years, maximum. But our Brexit will leave the UK shattered for centuries.

Honestly, some of the stuff we’ve done this week alone should have the Remainers screaming. We’re destroying your kids’ economic futures, for fish! For bloody fish!

But instead everyone’s asking questions about track-and-trace, or why we kickstarted the second wave by students to university, or when we’ll put Manchester in tier three. How do you think that makes our brave solicitor general, who broke the law she’s sworn to uphold just to f**k up Brexit, feel?

We are capable of screwing things up on two fronts at once, you know. And let me be very clear that while we’re screwing up Covid, that’s just because we don’t care about it. Screwing up Brexit is our passion.

So get back on your angry tweets. Go on your marches. Write your headlines. We’re bollocking this up royally and it’s a crime that it’s getting so little attention.

Bloody Covid. It’s ruining this for us.