Middle class couple annoyed Waitrose doesn't do schools

A COUPLE struggling to find a local school for their son cannot understand why Waitrose does not cater to their needs.

Tom and Rebecca Booker wish their favourite supermarket would educate their son Marco after finding nearby state schools to be a bit noisy and common.

Accountant Tom said: “Waitrose do a party catering service now so I’m sure they could do schools. The uniforms could have their logo on to let people know you’re prepared to pay extra for quality.”

Marketing manager Rebecca agreed: “I expect Waitrose schools would be very clean and modern like the stores, and every lesson would earn points on your loyalty card.

“The teaching would be top quality, like their fruit and veg, so pupils would go on to elite educational establishments like Oxford, Cambridge or the University of Waitrose.

“Sadly I had to tell Marco there are no Waitrose schools and he cried his eyes out. Frankly I’m disappointed because they’re normally so reliable.”

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Woman's only winter cardio is pulling her tights up

A WOMAN has admitted that hoisting her sagging tights back up is her key workout for the winter months. 

Nikki Hollis of Leeds has given running, cycling and boot camp because of the cold, but believes she is maintaining her fitness by yanking her 80 denier tights back up to her crotch every six steps.

She said: “Hiking that gusset up every 90 seconds – minimum – is making my arms more toned than boxing ever did.

“Plus I frequently overadjust, give myself a wedgie and have to pull back down, which involves a semi-squat and is really working on my thighs.

“Add into that shivering, walking the long way around puddles and constantly getting up to turn up the thermostat and go to the fridge, and I’m actually outperforming my summer regime.

“And I’m so practiced now I can do it without anyone noticing. I think. That bloke on the bus did look at me funny.”

Hollis added: “I’m saving a fortune on gym membership. Oh shit, I forgot to leave the gym.”