4 classic kids' films that could offend idiots

ARE you an idiot looking for a fun family film to ruin by claiming it is prejudiced? Then here are a few classics: 

The Wizard of Oz
Did you know that the cowardly lion character in The Wizard of Oz is actually a man with his face painted to look like a lion? This is testament to the arrogant belief that a human can play a lion better than an actual lion. Some might call this a classic example of the human superiority complex prevalent in the modern film industry; some might say lions can’t act. Either way, it’s an outrage.

A young bear from the Peruvian rainforest is found by Londoners but instead of finding him safe passage back to Peru or taking him to a zoo, they keep him in domestic captivity. Things get darker still when they force him to wear old man’s clothes. This is clearly endorsing animal cruelty. Animals have rights too. Even made up ones.

Peter Rabbit
This may seem like an innocent take on Beatrix Potter’s classic tale, but it is really teaching impressionable young rabbits that it’s okay to bully men with berries. In one horrifying scene, the bunnies cruelly attack Sam Neill with blackberries knowing that he was allergic to them. Or, possibly just because they are talking bunnies in a made up story, but who cares. This makes a mockery of anyone who has ever been bullied by bunny rabbits.

Another strong female beating up the bad guys and saving the world! YAWN! Girls are even busting ghosts and doctoring whos now. What about the men? Isn’t it about time we had some male leads in Hollywood. I can’t think of any. Not one. Nope.

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Allotment grower gets cost down to £35 per tomato

A MAN growing his own vegetables has managed to reduce the cost-per-unit of his tomatoes to just £35.18 per tomato. 

Through a combination of thrifty seed trading, a polytunnel, an irrigation system, fertiliser and hours of hard work, Norman Steele now pays less than the equivalent of ten pints of beer for each of the salad favourites.

Leaning on a spade, Steele said: “I feel sorry for them that get their veg from Tesco. They’ll never know the joy of growing your own, and knowing your full English breakfast cost you close to a hundred pounds.

“Cost per kilo that’s close to £210, which yes doesn’t compare to greengrocer prices but these tomatoes are grown with love. Though of course writing off a whole leek crop left me £600 in the hole.

“If everyone grew their own like me, and my neighbours on the allotment who I hate and believe secretly sabotaged my pumpkins, the cost to Britain would be immeasurable. Like in the war years.

“And the carrots are all misshapen. You don’t get that from Sainsbury’s.”

Steele plans to continue sinking cash into his uneconomic hobby until after a hard Brexit, where he will sell the tomatoes for Euros and become the richest man on his street.