Middle class family enjoying pretending cost-of-living crisis will affect them

A MIDDLE class family are having lots of fun pretending they will be impacted by the cost-of-living crisis, it has emerged.

The Bishop family can still afford to do the big shop at Waitrose and take three holidays abroad a year, but they are also having a jolly time pretending that skyrocketing prices are a threat to their lifestyle.

Dad Martin Bishop said: “Every morning I make a show of reading the grim economic news in the Guardian while wiping fake sweat off my brow. Meanwhile my wife and kids act looking worried. It’s such an enjoyable roleplay.

“At weekends we swing by a food bank and treat it like an educational day out at a National Trust property. It’s funny because I’m a chartered accountant with a safe job and a frankly amazing pension plan.

“I shouldn’t joke though. There is a very real danger that the rising price of truffle oil could eat into the disposable income I had earmarked for the conservatory extension on our second home.

“And it’s not as if the government will do anything to help us. We’ll be left to fend for ourselves as we try to outdo our neighbours in petty ways, and all because we’re comfortably off.”

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Spin the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator!

LOOKING for a policy that will tear headlines away from your cost-of-living ineptitude for a day? Try spinning the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator! Just follow these instructions…

Choose a hate figure

First, find a group of people who tabloid newspapers despise. Select one of the following at random:

Immigrants – Islington lawyers – Cocaine users – Benefit claimants – Students – Civil servants – Foreigners (European) – Foreigners (non-white) – Luvvies – the House of Lords – Gary Lineker

Second, choose at random an issue you’re blaming them for. There does not need to be any pre-existing or logical connection between the two.

Energy costs – Partygate – Cancel culture – Crime – Queuing at Post Offices – Working from home – Weather – Denigrating Churchill – Littering – Climate change – BBC repeats – Gary Lineker

Finally, choose a ludicrous, impractical, and vicious action to take. Don’t worry, this will never actually happen, but it will be deranged enough to make the front page of the Express.

Deporting to Rwanda – Banning from social media – Taking their passports – Fines of £10,000 – Unilaterally rewriting the Protocol – Confiscating their cheese – Removing their human rights – Firing them – Putting them on prison ships – Moving them to Stoke-on-Trent – Dressing them in pink and putting them on chain gangs – Firing them in a rocket into the sun – Gary Lineker

So, as a test exercise, choosing 4-8-1 comes up with a policy of punishing [benefit claimants] responsible for [climate change] by [deporting them to Rwanda].

Let’s put that headline in front of 77-year-old Conservative voter Susan Traherne, who says: 

“Bloody right. And not before time. That’ll teach them for carbonating our atmosphere. We never had fizzy drinks in the war. We was happy with Tree Top squash.”

The cost-of-living crisis is now completely forgotten and you can carry on doing nothing about it.