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N-Dubz, and other f**king awful things from the 2000s to get weirdly nostalgic about

A SURPRISINGLY large number of people are excited to hear that N-Dubz are reforming. What other cultural lowlights are best left in the 2000s?

N-Dubz

Tulisa, Dappy and the other one were little more than an annoying novelty the first time round, so why anyone is excited about them reforming is a mystery. Who recalls their hits ‘We Dance On’ and ‘Ouch’? The only thing that sticks in the mind is Dappy’s f**king stupid hats. And his various arrests for assault, in one case with a tennis racquet. That’s gangsta.

Big Brother

In 2000 the idea of being able to watch people go about their lives 24/7 was fascinating. In the age of mass surveillance and live streaming, it’s all we ever do. Plus your memories of Big Brother are likely to include Jade Goody being racist to Shilpa Shetty and Kinga’s regrettable bottle wank. No one wants to remember that. You’d pay to have it wiped from your memory.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

A full two decades before JK Rowling lost her way on Twitter, she lost her way with her magical wizarding world too. Harry hit his hormonal teenage years, spent the whole book shouting in capitals, and generally became a bit of a dick. If you feel warmly nostalgic about Potter’s adventures, re-reading this one will quickly shake you out of it.

You Are What You Eat

Gillian McKeith is now a Covid conspiracy theorist who was asked by the Advertising Standards Authority to stop using the title ‘doctor’. But back in the mid-2000s she was a nutrition expert who helped people lose weight by showing them how much crap they ate. She also made them poo in a Tupperware box, which really should have been a warning sign.

Avatar

James Cameron’s first film after Titanic was so massively hyped that it couldn’t have been anything other than a massive smash. However, on rewatching you’ll find that it’s an immensely long and boring load of CGI nonsense with vaguely racist overtones and is best left in the past.

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I am an inspiration to other people of stupidity. By Liz Truss

I WAS first diagnosed as stupid when I was 16. For a while doctors thought I might be dyslexic or autistic, so to learn I was a person of stupidity was a great relief.

I don’t see my stupidity as an affliction but a positive trait. Stupid people simply see the world in a different way to intelligent people. We have an insight into things that you would regard as made-up, irrelevant, non-existent or wrong.

But to us they are very real and at the core of our worldview.

Everything I say about Northern Ireland is unabashed, incoherent stupidity, from my claim years ago that only a few Irish ‘turnip farmers’ would be affected by Brexit to my clueless meddling that may cause a trade war with the EU we can’t possibly hope to win.

And do not forget my powerful cheese speech: ‘We import two-thirds of our cheese. That. Is. A. Disgrace.’ It’s as true now as it was then. Whatever the f**k it means.

I see myself as an inspiration to other people of stupidity – and not just stupidity, other associated, often undiagnosed, conditions such as malice, self-obsession and monumental inconsiderateness.

You might think that if you are stupid, your life chances are limited. But here I am, inexplicably a cabinet minister, with a chance of making it to Number 10. It’s the feel-good political story of our times.

I hope that stupid schoolchildren see me and say ‘I’m thick as pigshit. There’s no way I should be running a country. But Liz has shown me I can!’ Then take up a career in politics, doing stupid things like claiming you can feed a family of four for 20p.

My message to stupid people across the UK is this: say it loud, we’re stupid and we’re proud. Now go and ask for help tying your shoelaces.

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