Middle-class mum radicalised by John Lewis

FRIENDS of a middle-class mother of two are concerned at her increasingly extreme pro-John Lewis views.

Susan Traherne of Solihull can no longer hear people discussing other stores without launching into impassioned rants about John Lewis’s employee-owned business model which leave her red-faced and shaking.

Husband Russell said: “She’s always insisted their customer service was much better than everyone else’s, even when she rarely went. Perhaps I should have seen the signs.

“But then she started spending more and more time there, late nights and even Sundays, coming home flushed and repeatedly telling me that buying quality pays for itself in the long run.

“It’s as if the John Lewis partnership is speaking through her. She won’t accept that she could get exactly the same casserole dish for half the price somewhere else.”

Susan said: “I respect people’s right to choose where they shop, of course I do. But I can’t see anyone who frequents Debenhams as a real human being.”

‘I never liked the South anyway’, claims Osborne

FORMER chancellor George Osborne believes he is the perfect choice to chair the Northern Powerhouse because he detests the South and its people. 

Osborne, who has spent the last two months brooding in semi-darkness in his Cheshire constituency, has emerged to declare himself ‘150 per cent Northern’ and London’s greatest enemy.

He continued: “Who needs them, with their big glass offices and their prosperity, when we Northerners have something far better. Grit. Authenticity. Near-constant rain.

“I may have been born, educated and lived all my life in the South, but the backstabbing bastards down there never really believed in austerity, while up here it’s a way of life.

“Gammer Osborne, as I would like you to call me from now on, is never happier than standing on a Lake District hill with a plastic cup of black peas, soaked in drizzle, thinking about what effete wankers all Southerners are.

“Also, can I just say I love Barnsley?”

Stephen Malley of Manchester said: “He’s a fancy plum-voiced tosser who sips his brew like a ponce and doesn’t even know any Roses B-sides.

“But fuck it, he genuinely hates Southerners so he’s in.”