Middle Class Parents Exhausting, Say Babies

INFANTS are finding it difficult to cope with their middle class parents’ tedious angst about their careers and ‘creative space’, it was claimed last night.

The Institute for Studies found that increasing numbers of babies born to liberal, middle-income households believed their parents to be self-absorbed dicks.

Baby Martin Bishop said: “This should be a great time in my life. Never again will I be able to projectile vomit over strangers without fear of recrimination, or get such delight from pointing at dogs.

“However my mum keeps bleating to her friends about how dealing with the contents of my bum is leaving her ‘creatively unfulfilled’, and my dad’s freaking out because he’s can’t find a quiet place to masturbate.

“It’s not like I’ve eaten their dreams. Well, not deliberately anyway.”

He added: “I’ve a nasty feeling this will lead to a ‘taboo breaking’ article for the Observer magazine about how ‘the moral establishment’ is trying to make decent people feel guilty for giving their baby to gypsies.

“The mere thought of it is giving me sleepless nights. Well, that and all the piss.”

Six month-old Emma Bradford said: “My parents are the sort of people who labour under the misapprehension that they would’ve done something really brilliant and clever had I not arrived and started shitting all over their CDs.

“Meanwhile my mum has just started drawing up a chapter plan for one of those books about her ‘struggle to regain her sense of self in the midst of motherhood’. I suppose this means she won’t have time to write that novel about a clever but emotionally confused young woman from North London.

“I fucking hate her.”


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Ronaldo Baby Punches Midwife

RONALDO’S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

The infant lashed out after being refused permission to smoke a cigar in the delivery room and then being placed on a towel that was not made of 100% pure Egyptian cotton.

A source at the US hospital said: “The little arm came flying out and the next minute she was on the floor surrounded by lawyers demanding she be fired. As she was escorted out of the room, I saw the baby wink at his father.”

It has also emerged that the Real Madrid star will have sole custody of the child after agreeing to its demands for £180,000 a week.

The child’s agent said: “We had offers from the Rooneys, the Terrys and Frank Lampard, who wanted to give Christine Bleakley a new pink thing to be photographed with.

“But ultimately we decided to go with Ronaldo as it does at least raise the possibility of sucking on that Gemma Atkinson for an hour or so.”

The agent said the boy has yet to be named, although it was now down to a choice between either Diet Lucozade or The All New Seat Ibiza, at least for the first three years.

A spokesman for Ronaldo said: “Some say that the toilet training and the constant, sobbing demands for attention will be a problem, but I’m afraid the baby will just have to put up with him.”

Meanwhile, the mother has asked for her identity to be kept secret in a bid to avoid the stigma of everyone knowing that Ronaldo has been up her.

So far the possible candidates have been narrowed down to every blonde woman in the Western hemisphere with a cripplng lack of self esteem.