INFANTS are finding it difficult to cope with their middle class parents’ tedious angst about their careers and ‘creative space’, it was claimed last night.
The Institute for Studies found that increasing numbers of babies born to liberal, middle-income households believed their parents to be self-absorbed dicks.
Baby Martin Bishop said: “This should be a great time in my life. Never again will I be able to projectile vomit over strangers without fear of recrimination, or get such delight from pointing at dogs.
“However my mum keeps bleating to her friends about how dealing with the contents of my bum is leaving her ‘creatively unfulfilled’, and my dad’s freaking out because he’s can’t find a quiet place to masturbate.
“It’s not like I’ve eaten their dreams. Well, not deliberately anyway.”
He added: “I’ve a nasty feeling this will lead to a ‘taboo breaking’ article for the Observer magazine about how ‘the moral establishment’ is trying to make decent people feel guilty for giving their baby to gypsies.
“The mere thought of it is giving me sleepless nights. Well, that and all the piss.”
Six month-old Emma Bradford said: “My parents are the sort of people who labour under the misapprehension that they would’ve done something really brilliant and clever had I not arrived and started shitting all over their CDs.
“Meanwhile my mum has just started drawing up a chapter plan for one of those books about her ‘struggle to regain her sense of self in the midst of motherhood’. I suppose this means she won’t have time to write that novel about a clever but emotionally confused young woman from North London.
“I fucking hate her.”