Middle class people launch feeble retaliatory piss-take

PEOPLE whose middle class lifestyles are easy targets for snide humour have attempted to turn the tables.

After years of merciless ribbing, the middle classes have retaliated against taunts about Pilates, pretentiously-named children and poncey food.  

Management consultant Martin Bishop said: “You mock our delicious fresh organic salads, locally-sourced meats and home-made pesto, but ‘Maccie Ds’ is vile unimaginative fodder with loads of hidden sugar and salt.

“It’s funny that you think health is such a laughing matter.”

Bishop’s wife Amanda said: “My daughter may be a precocious viola-playing horror called Lucie, but at least she’s not smoking cigarettes.

“And the way working class people talk is all like ‘They didn’t never have no pizzas at Freezerland’. It is called Freezerland, right?”

Working class person Wayne Hayes said: “Hahaha. Fuck off.”

Martin Bishop replied: “No, I will not ‘fuck off’.”

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American teenager arrested for interest in science

A TEXAN boy has been arrested for doing science.

Ahmed Mohamed, 14, was apprehended after he produced a small, time-telling ‘clock’ device, startling his teachers who had never seen anything like it.

Police chief Bill McKay added: “There’s plenty of good reasons why science was outlawed here in 2004.

“When people get interested in time it only leads one way – time machines.

“We’ve all seen Back to the Future, yes it’s a lighthearted film but it carries a serious and powerful message about the chaos that time travel can cause.

“Like Marty McFly getting biblical feelings for the young version of his mom, who looks pretty hot in her prom dress.

“That’s what happens when you meddle with time, or indeed anything. The message is ‘don’t meddle’.”

Mohamed is likely to be sent to a young offenders’ institute until his thirst for knowledge is reduced to a level in keeping with American values.