Middle class people wishing they could spend holidays in a hotel

BRITAIN’S middle class people are sick of having to stay in cold, draughty old cottages whenever they go on holiday.

Architect Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve rented a charming period cottage in Cornwall for a week and it’s going to be fucking freezing.

“There won’t be any heating except for the log fire that will take ages to make and even then only radiates warmth over a distance of about two feet.

“I’m sure we’ll see a rat in the larder, and because it’s really remote someone will probably murder us.”

He added: “Working class people get to holiday in large modern hotels which are lovely and warm, with a massive telly in every room and you can have nine sausages for breakfast.

“We could easily afford that stuff and yet we’re in a glorified shed because it’s ‘what you do’. It’s perverse.”

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NASA tells astronauts to just go ahead and eat each other

THE crew of the International Space Station has been told it will have to resort to cannibalism after a supply rocket blew up.

NASA admitted it was the only rocket it had left and that the astronauts had just 72 hours worth of food pouches.

A spokesman said: “Budget cuts. We cut the rocket budget and the food budget. And it was only mashed bananas in the first place.

“And we also cut the rescue budget. Anyway, if I was them I’d just get on with it. It’s going to be pretty messy up there for a few days.”

The spokesman added: “They are all trained professionals and dreadful show-offs so no-one’s going to go quietly – but the hand-to-hand combat will be brilliant.

“It’s a shame that guitar-playing hippy isn’t still up there. I suspect that would have made the whole process much simpler.”