Miliband pledges After Eights for every middle class family

ED Miliband has pledged to rebuild middle class confidence with free After Eight mints.

Miliband said “It’s about reviving the taste of elegant prosperity as enjoyed in the 1980s.

“For too long, the middle classes have been scared to dream. Let’s return them to a time when there was no cap on their aspirations, as long as they didn’t want anything more glamorous than a weekly dinner at a Berni Inn.”

The Labour leader believes that a family of four should be entitled to a weekly voucher allowing them to a free 300g After Eights box, with pensioners allowed as many free mints as they can carry.

Teacher Eleanor Shaw said: “I’m not bothered about this return to old-fashioned values, but I hope this means a return to old-fashioned After Eights.

“I’m sure they used to be the length and breadth of a doorstop.”

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Playing truant made even better by threat to parents

SCHOOLCHILDREN are more motivated to play truant now that their parents will be punished in a court of law.

Adolescents nursing grudges against the people who feed and house them can now dodge school for a fortnight, say they were in the Bahamas and see their mum and dad given a hefty fine.

Hormonal maniac Susan Traherne, aged 14, said: “I wasn’t bought tickets for every night of One Direction’s UK tour, therefore my life is over and it’s all my mother’s fault.

“A two-week sleepover and a few lies to the magistrates and she’ll be in the prison that’s too good for her. Such a pity we don’t have the death penalty.”

11-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve finally got them where I want them, churning out sick notes on demand.

“Plus I’m learning to be deceitful and manipulative which are key business skills.”

Teacher Carolyn Ryan said: “Oh, the worlds of learning those skiving children will miss.

“Certainly they wouldn’t just have been told to be quiet and work through their textbooks while their teachers did the weekly Ocado shop, because that’s not how education works in my classroom.”